Been thinking a lot about making a thoughts and rambles section. I kind of wanted to say rants section, but that wouldn't be accurate. I don't really like rant humour. I guess some of that's the problem. I've been seeing a bit of discussion floating around about the Neocities community. I admit I'm not super happy with it myself. Too many memes, too much snark and ironic humour. Which is fine, but not my thing.
I'm a pretty anxious person. Got the pills for it and everything. You know the usual drill, bullied constantly, parents using you as a weapon because they hate one another, frequent hints that they wanted someone other than you, someone who wasn't a problem all the time. You get it. You retreat into your head and make up stories because people are too scary to trust. Then one day you find the internet and discover other people are the same... and then find out that oh by the way people love to poke fun at you still.
Honestly one of the worst things about growing up is finding out that all the bullshit at school doesn't go away. It gets better, but people are still little shits half the time. Enough, when you've been conditioned to expect people are laughing at you, to worry if they still are. Not saying this to try to be special. It sucks.
I mean, I try to be reasonable and not make myself a laughing stock. If I'm going to go batshit I'll do it in private (I mean this in an affectionate toward myself way, honest) If I'm going to write a story with a ridiculous premise, I'm at least going to be aware it's ridiculous. But you know, the self depreciation creeps in. Maybe that why we're all snarks online. Safer to spew memes than to be yourself? Welcome to the internet, where we put ourselves down, so you don't have to!
(last line mentally written in the voice of Kevin and Ursula)
Okay, I had a point and I guess it's that being the mentally ill weirdo kid who lives in their head is scary because you're constantly looking over your shoulder and wondering if you're going to be the next meme. You don't want to put yourself out there. Writing stuff like this is scary. But chances are, you're probably safe. You can talk. It's OK. Really. Especially on a platform with no ties to your offline self. And I don't hold any blame against Neocities for its current culture. That's how the internet as a whole is, it's not the fault of any one site. And you can put what you damn well want up.
I worry a ton about whether anything I make is good enough. I said earlier I'm not into rant humour, nor am I really interested in Serious Adult Things like politics. Ugh, politics. Nor am I claiming to know how to save the world and how we should all act. Except, I guess, don't be a jerk, and recognise that you have cognitive biases because your brain and consciousness are a multi million year hack job, and that's okay dammit.
It's okay to talk. Even if you don't think so. It's okay.
Stay tuned maybe for... probably not that profound thoughts? Whatever they end up being.